eating marinara sauce in front of the television set
make all the fun you want kids.
***
I used to lay awake at night listening to the sounds of my room, lost in my head. As a boy, my brothers and I spent summers at our dad’s house. It was only for two months of the year—hardly long enough to justify each of us having our own rooms—so each summer the three of us would all cram together into the same small space. Laying there in the dark staring up at the ceiling, I would hear their soft, rhythmic breathing and know that they were asleep. Know that they had some kind of switch that allowed their unconscious minds to sweep over their conscious ones, lulling them into a kind of lethargic darkness. A switch that I missing. My conscious brain struggled for primacy over sleep. Struggled into the small hours of the morning while my thoughts shifted and morphed from the important questions of my childhood to the irrelevant, made-up facts and images that would flitter through my mind. I always liked this time of night. I felt like the only person in the whole world who was awake. The only person that could see the secrets that passed in the dark.
Some nights I would hear a voice too. The same voice that would speak to me in my dreams or when I had a bad fever. My father never knew about this voice, but my mother did. She would stay up with me on nights when I was really sick and hallucinating, and I would blabber to her insensibly about the voice and the form who made it. I don’t remember her thinking that it was a weird thing. She was an understanding woman. The rock of my childhood. The one who was left to raise three boys with almost no help from anyone. My father did occasionally talk of sending me to see someone, but this was because he thought that my sleeplessness was born out of some problem I had with their divorce. My mother didn’t agree with him, she thought I was fine, and his opinions carried a lot less weight than hers did when it came to the big decisions in the lives of my brothers and I.
I’m not sure how these pieces fit together. I can’t point it out the link to you—the exact spot where the lines of these stories cross and blur into one—all I can say is that there is some vague connection between my sleepless nights, the voice in my head, and my parents separation. The voice eventually stopped. It was in a dream. The voice and its bulky form were calling out to me from some mountainous distance. I could see a black silhouette on some rocky outcrop, a familiar enemy come again. I’m not sure if the words ever had a tangible meaning, but the malicious intent was always obvious in that deep, demonic tone. I always knew that’s what it was too. A demon. Personal or otherwise, I’m not sure. It would beckon to me from some deep place, taunt me, challenge me, fill me with the fear that I came to understand as the fear of death. In this dream, it wanted to test the body that I had conceived for myself in the land of my subconscious. It was decided that we had to swim against one another, so that’s what we did. We swam across a black ocean framed in a blood coloured sky. The black waves were breaking white overtop of me as we laboured across the water. I don’t remember how long we were swimming. I don’t know if time had any meaning in that world, and if it did, I don’t trust my memory to hold onto that truth for very long. It could have been years or what could have been only minutes. It was hard, and it was frightening. I knew that the outcome of the dream would dictate the outcome of my reality. That to lose in this dream would have dire consequences for the rest of my waking life. When I walked upon the grey shore on the other side of the water, exhausted, and looked back out over the waves I knew I was alone. That something was different. That I had won. Never again did I hear that sound, but the distorted echoes of its memory still lingers on somewhere in my head.
I don’t have a lot of memories from my childhood. One of my brothers will remind me of some event that happened to us in the past, but nothing will stir in my brain. It frustrates them, and sometimes me. I mostly remember feelings from that time not events. The two things that stick out are that strange voice and my parent’s divorce. It happened when I was five. My dad had moved from Texas, where my brothers and I were born, to Ontario, where my mother comes from. He hated it, didn’t want to be married, didn’t want to have kids. Sometimes life gets away from you, and I think it got away from him. He took his things and went back to Texas to try and reclaim whatever it was he felt he lost. I’m not sure if he ever got ahold of what he was looking for, but I hope he did. We visited him every summer and every other Christmas until I was about ten years old, and then we fell out of contact for a long time. Not a phone call, not a birthday card, not a word. I didn’t know then why it happened, and I don’t really know now. Him leaving defined my youth. It’s not such a big tragedy, really, but it was the tragedy of my childhood.
I do remember the plane rides, the trouble that we would always have with customs coming back into Canada. The hot days, the heavy rains, and the time that a tornado was whirling away close to our house. So close that a tree branch came crashing through our kitchen window. I remember that there was something about the South and the way people talked about it that made it seem very special. A place apart where people would speak a little differently, be a little nicer to you. I remember chicken n’ dumplings for supper, and how my step-sister would always eat the fat and grizzle from the steaks that nobody else wanted. Mostly I remember the spaces. Our little house with a veranda and the family of opossums living underneath. The kids across the street who we would race with to see who was the fastest. My Mimi’s house and the big back room where we would play elaborate games. All these places and spaces that were a part of my childhood—places that helped shape who I am—but ones that I could now walk by, walk through, and have no idea that this was where I spent a lot of time growing up. Spaces like that bedroom where I was laying awake, staring up into the darkness, listening to the sounds of my brothers sleeping.
I heard my dad get up and go out into the living room. It was right beside our bedroom, so when he turned on the television, I knew that he would be up for a while. I sat up in bed wondering whether or not I should go out there. Making up my mind I crept down off of the top bunk, slowly, trying not to wake either of my brothers. I walked out into the living room which was light up by the soft blue glow streaming from the television set. My dad was sitting there on the couch in his underwear and a white tank top. He had a bowl of marinara sauce resting on his lap and a few pieces of white bread in his hand. He looked up to see me rubbing my tired eyes, adjusting to that soft blue glow. He probably said something like ‘Boy, what are you doin’ up?’ and then laughed his big, deep laugh. I don’t remember him laughing a lot when I was younger, but having spent more time with him now, I know that his laughter follows almost everything he says. Like he sees the humour, the abstruse irony, of every single thing that happens in the world. Like all events are transpiring only to convey some deeply concealed joke to this one person.
I would like to recount the conversation that we had that night, but the truth is I can’t remember it. I actually can’t remember any conversations that I had with my father when I was a child. I remember that he taught me how to fold jeans, I remembering riding in the bed of his truck going out to restaurants, I remember him being tall with dark features, that he always had cuts on his hands from his job, but I don’t remember any conversations. We sat for a while that night watching TV, dipping white bread into the marinara sauce and eating it. He might have told me that this was a snack that he and his brother ate a lot as boys because his father wasn’t around and his mother couldn’t cook.
We went outside to sit by the pool on that cool Texas night. My father smoked a cigarette and I sat beside him, watching him. He might have spoken to me about coming to live with him in Texas for a few years, as that was a conversation being thrown around at the time. I wasn’t as far into the school system as my brothers were, so it would be an easier transition for me. Plus I would get to play football, which was a big draw for me back then even though I don’t care much for organized sports now. It made me feel special. That this person who had left us all behind wanted me, and just me, to come live with him. I remember tearful phone call with my mother who did not want to me to stay in Texas, who did not want to separate my brothers and I. Life would have been a very different thing had that come to pass, and looking back I know that I am glad that it didn’t happen. What else could I be? It’s hard to regret a life that never happened.
Maybe we didn’t say much at all on that cool Texas night. Maybe we just sat there by the pool, him smoking his cigarette, me watching him. The truth is he didn’t have to say anything to make an impression on me. He was always this mythical person in my head. He left before I got know him. When I was five, he went to Texas because his grandmother was sick. Mimi raised him and his brother because his father wasn’t around and his mother was abusive both physically and mentally. They weren’t always at their grandparent’s house, but they were there often enough. Often enough for both my father and his brother to consider them their real parents. Whenever he found out she was sick, there was no hesitation about flying down there. But when she got better, he never came back. We got a phone call from him one day. I remember my mom made us all get on different phones scattered throughout the house because he wanted to talk to everybody at once. I was on the phone in our unfinished basement. I was standing on top of pale blue concrete that was cool on my bare feet. Holding the phone to my ear, I was looking out at boxes of old clothes and christmas ornaments while our father was telling us that he wasn’t gonna come home. It wasn’t our fault, of course not. He just felt that it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t understand that then, how it could be right, but I think now I can grasp some of it. His choice lay between a kind of responsible misery or an irresponsible happiness, and he chose his own happiness over ours. It was a human choice, and maybe I would have made the same one in his spot. I don’t think it was the right choice or the wrong choice. Rightness doesn’t come into it for me. We make decisions and we have to live the things that come along afterwards. It doesn’t matter how our lives would have played out if he acted differently—if he had stayed around. He made his choice, and we all have to live with it. Life couldn’t be any other way.
Watching him smoke that cigarette beside the pool was one of the few moments where we were actually alone with one another. Maybe there were other times when I was too young to remember, but this moment sits concrete on my mind like the floor of our unfinished basement. A chance to understand this person that I never knew, hear him talk, but I can’t even remember what we spoke about. I only remember the feeling. The feeling of having a strong, unspoken connection to an older man. The feeling of wanting to have a father, and maybe just this once, just for this moment, having one. Eventually he must have put out his cigarette. Maybe he stubbed it into the ground and threw it into the garden, or maybe he dropped it into an empty beer bottle. Then we walked back inside and he said something like ‘Alright boy, time for bed. Can you sleep?’ and I said that I could. I crawled back into bed, got under the covers, and waited for the secrets of the night to pass me by.